Since January, I have been doing a purge. The low hanging fruit first like kitchen supplies, towels, sheets, purses then it got hard. Early January, I realized I had to move the energy of Bradley's office. It was stale. It was a snap shot in time back to the day he died. At first that was comforting however by January, it had become a drop pin to the trauma of that night.
I would go down to his office and just stand. My feet felt like they were in a bucket of wet sand as soon as I would step into his office. It was deeply sad and my heart just hurt. Still the energy needed to move. A major declutter needed to take place and all the sentimental items posed a difficult challenge. It all took up valuable space and I felt like I was walking away from another part of Bradley that I wasn't ready to say goodbye to; However, the option of getting rid of them made me feel guilty.
I decided to hire a professional organizer. I hired a group called Major Moms. I started working with a young woman named Christina. It has proven to be a good choice. She took all his papers and notes and notebooks and boxed them up. All his journals - in a separate box. All the little scraps of papers and reminders that he had in his dojo back pack and his travel bags - simply boxed up. I couldn't go through any of those items and I didn't want to throw them away. It was the last bits of him. His writing. His thoughts. His way of doing things that I enjoyed. Now they were boxed up neatly and placed in storage.
It was on to his closet. Christina boxed up his clothes neatly and with great care only donating socks and underwear. There are a great deal of memories attached to his clothes for me and for the children. When his closet was full, we would all go in his closet and just stand. Faces white, hearts heavy, tears in our eyes. Now with all his clothes gone, I stood in the emptiness of his closet and cried at first then I felt relief. It reminded me of the dream I had several days prior to his death. In the dream, I walked down to his office and it was empty. Then I started seeing toys and games laid out on the floor in my dream. I set up from that dream knowing Bradley was leaving - not knowing how - and I cried. It was heavy with Bradley prior to his death. Heavy with pain and heavy with emotions. Knowing a big change was getting ready to happen didn't help in going through the change.
More items needed to be sorted but it was getting easier. Camera parts, computer parts and cords - I could begin to help with this. When I came across something that left me in that zombie stare, Christina would simply take it and box it and place in storage with a neat label.
The kids and I were emotional exhausted each time more of Bradley's stuff was boxed and stored. We had to spend time letting the physically space catch up with our emotions. Sometimes it felt like Bradley dying all over again. Christina had spent several days moving art supplies and projects and books on creative ideas into Bradley's office. We took two weeks off and none of us went into his office during this time. We needed some space from the whole situation.
I needed to go reboot the internet router. It had been a full two weeks since I had been in Bradley's office. I went down to reboot the router and for the first time, Bradley's office didn't feel like his office. It felt lighter. The energy in the room had shifted! I really felt in awe. I walked around and there was joy mixed with Bradley's vibe. The next day, I invited the kids to come down and take a look. There were smiles and laughter. Lena danced around. It had been a long 10 months since this room held happiness and both the kids decided to name the room "Our School House". I wrote it big, in fun letters, on the white board that Bradley had hung on the wall.