From Control to Connection: An Unschooling Journey
*** This is a great article that explains quickly the reason we choose the unschooling life. Our path to unschooling was very different than the authors. ******
By Arun Pradhan
What would all our Steiner friends think?’ was the initial thought that came to mind. ‘For that matter, what do I think?’ which began a chorus of debate within my head.
There I was at 6:30 am Tuesday morning, my daughter awake, eating a packet of chips, playing with Barbie dolls and watching The Wiggles on her portable DVD player. Just ten months ago such a scene would have been unimaginable. So how did it come to this?
Discovering homeschooling
We first heard of homeschooling via a wonderful GP who attended my partner, Anne,’s home birth. The GP and his wife had homeschooled all of their five children and Anne began talking about a natural progression from home birth to attachment parenting to homeschooling. By the time our daughter turned three we decided to find out more by attending a large Victorian homeschool camp.
My first impression was ‘this is not for us’. We were sharing a cabin with a family of homeschoolers from the country who lived with almost no electricity — their house was not on the power grid or water mains. Some of their home births — unassisted in the bush — made our home water-birth with two midwives, a GP and a hospital back up seem extremely tame!
Their children loved playing the violin and doing gymnastics and as a family they invested considerable time and energy in supporting both these pursuits with amazing results. They were lovely people with caring, interesting and self-confident children — but I remember telling Anne, ‘Homeschooling is not for us! I just like electricity too much!’
Venturing out to meet other camp participants we discovered that there are as many homeschool approaches, philosophies and styles as there are homeschooled children. In many ways that is the point of homeschooling. Families we met were using anything from Montessori inspired environments; religious based curriculum and unit guides; a mix of maths curriculum and unstructured learning; Steiner or Waldorf based homeschool resources and many others who were ‘natural learners’ or ‘unschoolers’ who seemed to follow no predetermined lesson plans.
As usual Anne was way ahead of me and knew homeschooling was right for us already; my conversion came later in a forty-minute conversation with Lyn Loxton, an experienced homeschooler and co-coordinator of the Victorian based Home Education Network.
Discovering unschooled education
More than twenty years ago Lyn pulled her son out of school because it was not working for either of them. She began with a tight curriculum at home — of teaching him things every day, based on a curriculum. Then she found herself saying things like, ‘stop designing that model plane and come and do your maths lesson!’ The irony was not lost on her and from that point she threw away her curriculum and followed her son’s interests — instead of a teacher she became the partner and facilitator to his exploration and questioning mind. This style of homeschooling is known as ‘natural learning’, especially in Australia, or ‘unschooling’ more broadly.
Mary Griffith, author of The Unschooling Handbook, defined unschooling this way, ‘[it] means learning what one wants, when one wants, in the way one wants, for one’s own reasons. … choice and control reside with the learner … She may find outside help in the form of parents, mentors, books, or formal lessons, but [she] is the one making the decisions about how best to proceed. Unschooling is trusting that your children are at least as clever and capable as you are yourself.’
When discussing outcomes, most homeschoolers point to the broader benefits of nurturing and empowering confident and self-realised individuals. However, that conservative part of me was also pleased to hear that Lyn’s son Ben, now in his 20s, received an award for the most outstanding student in the fourth year of his aerospace engineering degree at RMIT and is now completing a PhD.
Natural learning seemed natural!
Natural learning was what we and most of our friends who had toddlers were doing. We played with our child, we looked at what caught her interest and when invited we explored that interest with her. It was how our children learned to crawl, to walk and even talk. It seemed logical that this process could continue.
At the time I was working as a lecturer in multimedia and design at university. This vantage point filled me with confidence in natural learning. Not because I felt ‘qualified to teach’, far from it. Rather, I realised that I had much to ‘unlearn’ to stop myself from teaching and get out of the way of my children’s learning.
Years of working with first year university students had convinced me that schooling was often a block to developing a free thinking and curious approach to life. School seemed excellent at teaching young minds how to get through school — how to pass tests, write papers and ‘play the game’.
I became accustomed to intelligent, talented students playing to their strengths to ensure that they received the much sought after ‘High Distinction’. Sticking to their safety zone rather than taking the ‘risk’ of following their interest meant that the main thing they seemed to be learning was conservatism and conformity.
Although it was a factor, we were not solely motivated by a critical attitude towards school. It was the potential of homeschooling that really caught our imagination. The potential of viewing the ‘world as our classroom’, of seeing life as an exciting adventure where learning happens through following passion and interests … through living. Especially the idea that we could share this journey with each other and our children!
We were scared and truly excited — we let go of schools, lesson plans, curriculums and put our daughter in the driver’s seat of her own learning … we have never looked back.
Unschooling life
Although I had vaguely heard of unschoolers taking things further, it was not until a year later when a friend lent us a book by US unschooling mum Rue Kream entitled Parenting A Free Child: An Unschooled Life, that things shifted even more. In her book Kream discussed what many call ‘radical unschooling’ (although just as many avoid labels altogether).
Definitions will vary but for me unschooling or natural learning is allowing the child to define their own learning journey with no externally imposed curriculum or agenda. ‘Radical unschooling’ is a more recent term that often describes extending this trust and autonomy completely through the child’s life in all its many aspects.
At the time Anne and I were trying to create a very particular environment for our children that included no TV, mostly wooden and natural toys, organic non-processed food and so on. The thought of letting go of this and letting our children choose was almost unimaginable.
We had countless fears — my worst nightmare was that it would create self-centred, selfish, junk food eating couch potatoes through permissive parenting. Even at my more optimistic moments food and TV were big concerns.
Yet we kept wondering, ‘What if it could work for us? What if we could let go of control and live joyous, healthy and rewarding lives while supporting the growth of empowered, caring and free children …’
What she ate
Radical unschoolers we read about and met allowed their children to eat what they wanted when they wanted … but this is only the beginning of the story. Most are extremely proactive in providing enough nutritious, tasty and easily accessible food while ensuring that they are not judging or restricting other items.
In Parenting A Free Child: An Unschooled Life, Kream explains, ‘My children have always made their own food choices and have well balanced, nutritious diets. They do not think of food as good or bad but as fuel for their bodies. They have never wanted any food badly enough to beg for it because they have never had to beg for any food. They eat when they are hungry and stop when they are full. How many adults who were controlled as children wish they had that ability?’
We found much appeal in Kream’s description as Maya seemed to be developing a feast or famine mentality of binging when treats were occasionally available — particularly at parties or while visiting extended family. We tried to avoid battles by simply not having processed or sugar rich foods in the house; however, their absence seemed to focus her attention and give such food even more power.
So we tentatively began to let go. We started by buying the least chemical laden chips we could find. Our pantry was stocked with them and Maya, then aged four, could eat as much and when she wanted. We ensured the shelf also had dried fruit, almonds and other accessible snack food. There was a period where she ate the chips constantly, as if she was understandably expecting us to take them away. However, within months they just became part of the background and one choice of many.We extended her freedom by starting to say ‘yes’ much more to her requests. Internally we dealt with this by pausing and asking ourselves ‘why not?’ before responding to avoid our habitual responses.
There were challenging times. At one point she ate eight Freddo Frogs in the space of an hour despite our advice and offers of alternative food options. That night she had a minor melt down through which we helped to support her. The next day we talked about how the chocolate made her feel and behave. We consciously avoided an ‘I told you so’ tone as we tried simply to help her make the links between her choices and their implications.
Even after reading and hearing about other people’s experiences, I must admit to being surprised when our daughter walked past her packets of chips and asked me to peel a carrot for her. Such experiences are becoming more common as we now have put her in total control over her food. More lollies and plums tend to make it into our shopping trolley than previously and occasionally I wince seeing her have ice-cream just before lunch but it has truly been a relief to support rather police her as she learns to get in touch (perhaps stay in touch) with her body’s needs.
Now Anne and I feel like we have much to learn from Maya who will often have a little ice-cream and stop when she has had enough; in contrast, we are close by waiting to finish it off no matter what our bodies are telling us.
What she watched
Alongside our experience with food the other main challenges came in our attitudes towards TV.
Years ago when we did have a TV we used it on rare occasions as a baby sitter — as a distraction while we got jobs done. For most radical unschooling parents when the TV goes on it is time to be with the child — discussing things they are seeing, what they are choosing to see and helping to make sense of the experience. Meanwhile the parents also provide interesting options, some of which may even be initiated from watching TV. It is not that the parent needs to constantly entertain or distract, rather they can model behaviour of pursuing passionate interests and being actively engaged in the world around them, of which TV is one component.
Many radical unschooled families have cable TV, which for Anne and I who enjoy life without TV seemed simply way too radical. We discussed it with Maya and agreed that we would purchase a portable DVD player for her. We soon had a dozen DVDs and ensured that Maya had regular access to hiring more. She had free rein to watch them whenever she wanted.
In the first few weeks the DVD player was on for hours at a time. What especially pushed buttons for me was when Maya watched during dinner time, choosing to sit in her room rather than coming to the table with us.
Anne and I decided to go on the offensive — one night we surprised Maya by taking our food into her room and had a DVD dinner on her bed in front of Bob the Builder.
After constant messages from us about the negative aspects of TV I had no idea how powerful this validation of Maya’s choices would be. She was over the moon to share the experience with us, constantly pausing the DVD to explain something or ask questions, revelling in our reactions as we enjoyed hers.
This was one of many basic assumptions I had to question — I had told myself that family dinners were important because connecting with my family was crucial. Yet in that one hour sharing dinner and a DVD in our daughter’s room we were more connected than we had been for months. The option seemed horrible — having her as a forced participant at the dinner table who was counting the minutes to get back to her DVD.
Now family dinners tend to happen regularly and voluntarily as the DVD novelty has worn off. The trips to the DVD shop have become more infrequent and there has still been no request for free to air TV let alone cable. It seems that much of the magic has been taken away from the screen.
Recently when Anne was out and I was exhausted, I had to laugh at the irony when I found myself begging Maya to watch a DVD and she was insisting on going for a walk to feed the horses next door. Maya still enjoys DVDs but again they have just become one of many options.
No rules … lots of guidance
Giving our daughter control has been an extremely hands-on process. We have more and more discussions about countless relevant issues — about ‘the numbers’ (chemicals) in ingredient listings, about what sort of energy and fuel different foods provide your body, around money and budgeting and what advertising tries to make people do.
We are avoiding judging our daughter’s choices as we give her space to experiment, age appropriate information and occasionally opinions to help her navigate her new freedom. Where as previously many of our opinions would have been interpreted as lectures, today we seem to have more freedom to constructively comment.
Soon after our changes began we missed breakfast and went to a shop to get something. My daughter asked for a chocolate muffin. I reminded her that we had a big day and that she might want something that will give her body energy for longer and made some suggestions. I ended my comments with, ‘it’s up to you’ and I really meant it.
Just a few months previously if I started that explanation my daughter would have burst into tears and protest, rightly reading my explanation as a tactful ‘no, you are not eating that chocolate muffin’.
This time she listened and she chose one of the things I had suggested. She knew that I was coming from a place of respectful advice rather than control and she was more open as a result. Of course next time she might choose the chocolate muffin and I have to learn to accept that unconditionally.
Balancing needs of parents and child
Empowering children should not be mistaken for disempowering parents. A phrase we often use in our family now is that ‘it has to work for everyone’… and this includes Ziggy, our one-year-old son. When we made the changes we discussed it in terms of ‘the sort of family we want’ not just doing it ‘for our daughter and or son’.
We are all developing our ability to identify needs, negotiate and creatively reach win-win outcomes. For me it has almost required a complete personality transplant and Anne has needed ongoing emergency transfusions of patience to pull it off.
Anne and I have both had to add new tools and even new paradigms to support the parenting path we aspire towards. Some of these approaches range from Parent Effective Training to Non Violent Communication.
Our basic foundation is that by consistently modeling compassion, a non-coercive process and empathy in our approach we are being effective guides for our children to themselves become compassionate, non-coercive and empathetic.
In my previous parental guise I was obsessed about consistent boundaries. I used to have a rule of three bedtime stories. No matter how much my daughter pleaded I never broke the rule because I feared it would create uncertainty and more begging for them each night. Now I have no such rule. She tells me if she wants more and I tell her what I am up for that night and we negotiate. One night it meant that I literally read half of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Another time she said, ‘You look tired, Dad, we can just read one chapter tonight.’ To me our relationship is becoming more real and our understanding of each other and each other’s needs more acute.
We are far from the perfect unschooling poster family, not that there is one. We are all learning new forms of communication and have clashes, melt downs, bad days … and yes, on occasion we are tempted to revert to boundaries spiced with the threat of punishments or more commonly the promise of rewards. Some days that would seem a welcome and simple relief. However, so far we have generally stayed on track and find that our daughter is all too willing to pull us up when we go astray.
Replacing protection with connection
Radical unschooling is built on incredible trust in the child and knowledge that given a supportive, caring, healthy and active environment a free and unregulated child will choose to be caring, healthy and active. No guarantees that they will not have a midnight movie marathon on occasion or have cake, ice-cream and chips for breakfast because they can … but over-all they will find balance.
I view our previous approach as putting up walls to shelter our children from the world — from commercialism, consumerism, junk food and many other things we disliked about what is ‘out there’. Our shifts mean that we are letting the world in more than ever, while focusing on empowering our children and our relationship with them to handle, understand and enjoy these experiences.
We are still providing nurturing and safe environments for our children to explore from … but the walls are coming down. In the process we are seeking each opportunity for connection and aspiring to be trusted guides, fellow travellers and friends rather than authority figures.
So getting back to where I started — there I was, early in the morning watching our daughter eat chips, play with Barbie dolls and watch a Wiggles DVD and as the internal debate subsided things became clear.
Later, unless Maya asked for it first, I might suggest we finish the book we had been reading and that she help me make some boiled eggs for breakfast (her current favourite). But right now I had an opportunity to share in Maya’s joy of the moment, to validate her choices and most importantly to connect with her.
What else could I do? I asked her to pass a few Barbies, laughed at Captain Feather Swords’ crazy dancing and hoped that one day our Steiner friends will forgive us … who knows, maybe even understand us.
Published in Kindred, Issue 22, June 07
Arun Pradhan shares a home-based business and homeschooling with his lover, friend and partner Anne. Together they have embarked on an unschooling adventure with Maya their five-year-old daughter and Ziggy their one-year-old son. They have recently moved to Northern NSW and are keen to contact other like-minded families. Arun maintains a natural parenting and unschooling website He currently knows more about the Wiggles then he ever imagined that he would.
Further reading
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